| Mommy's Thoughts |
| January 22, 2007 Hi Honey, Mommy figured it was time to finally write a few of her thoughts down today. Its been about a week since I started this website in memory of you. It makes me feel close to you, when I'm working on it. I've met some people these past few months that have also lost children but there's is much more recent. I think seeing your website helps people realize that what there feeling and doing are normal. Even after all this time mommy still misses you as much as I did the day you went to heaven almost 14 years ago. Time does help ease the pain. Of course theres times mommy still tears up, I'll always long to have you, but I also know that you are safe and although you may not be here in my arms, you will be someday. Mommy believes in thinking positively, I believe everything happens for a reason, and maybe you were sent to heaven so you could watch over your little brother Zane and keep him safe here on earth. I'm sure you know how wonderful Zane is, thats why mommy can't complain, I may of lost one son to heaven, but then I was blessed with another. Although he'll never replace you, he has become my life, along with John my husband, your stepdaddy. The two of them keep me pretty busy and always so happy, sure they drive me crazy sometimes, but I think we all need a little craziness in our lives. I often wonder what you would be like, your almost 14 now, wow has time past quickly. I still remember you in my belly and watching you tumble around when we seen you on the sonograms. Those are the memories I try to always think about, because they make me feel so happy. I think you and Zane would of been great together, I really believe you two would of been very different though. Zane's really outgoing and likes to be center of attention like mommy, but I think you would of been the quieter one, the shy one, always thinking about everyone else first, just like when you were in my belly, the first time daddy felt you kick, mommy and him were having a little fight over something stupid and all of a sudden there you were kicking away, as if you were telling us there was no need to argue. We were so excited to feel you, that nothing else mattered after that. I hope you know you'll always be mommy's little angel, and you'll always have a special place in my heart. I love you sweetheart. Mommy |
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| Till Mommy Can Hold You Again |
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| I would love to hear from you |
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| February 1, 2007 Good Evening My Precious Little Angel, Mommy has been starring at your restored picture today, and I'm just amazed at how beautiful you really are. I can only imagine what you would look like now as a teenager. I hope you realize how much mommy loves you, even still after all this time. I wonder often what you would be like now, would you be playing sports or a brain in school like your little brother Zane. You know he's amazing, he brought home a report card of straight A's. He was so proud of himself. I wish you could of met my husband John, he's a wonderful, caring man. Him and Zane sometimes have there little agruements, but I think thats just a guy thing. My favorite is listening to them when they think I'm sleeping, thats when they get along so well, when it's just the two of them. I bet you would be so tall by now and so handsome. I wish I could have seen you growing up. And watched you play. But most of all I wish I could have just heard you say mommy, just once. I know I will someday though, when I'm in heaven with you. Look after us my little angel and always remember that mommy loves you so much, that words can not express. I love you angel, Mommy |
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| February 14, 2007 Happy Valentines Day My Sweet Little Angel, Mommy just had to tell you about her gift she received from your stepdaddy John today. He gave me a locket with yours and Zane's pictures in it. He said it was so I could always carry you two with me. Mommy was so thrilled with her gift, I was almost in tears when I opened it. He really suprised me this time. Not that he doesn't always buy me wonderful things, but this time it was really special and thoughtful and he really made my Valentines Day wonderful. I hope yours was too. Well just wanted to tell you I love you. Love, Mommy |
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| May 8, 2007 Hi Angel, It's been a while since mommy wrote, since your birthday actually. Sunday is Mother's Day and John always makes sure mommy has a special day. I was sitting here tonight thinking about how lucky I am to have so many wonderful guys in my life. I've got you an angel watching over me and Zane he's such a smart thing and then theres my wonderful husband, your step daddy, oh I wish he could of met you, he treats mommy like a princess. I'm finally feeling like my old self again. I started a new job 2 months ago, another reason why I haven't wrote and I just love it. The people I work with are wonderful and I needed that so badly. I've met a few very wonderful women because of you and I have fun talking to them on the internet. I'm sure your having fun in heaven right now, throw me a kiss when you get a chance. I love you sweetheart. Love, Mommy |
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| September 2, 2007 Hello my sweet angel, I'm sorry its been so long since mommy last wrote. I figured it was time to write you, since you had to listen to mommy talk to you so much last week. I was so scared going for my surgery on Wednesday, but I'm pretty sure you already know that, considering when mommy is scared she always talks to her angel. This past year has been a little rough on me with the problems I've been having. I guess in ways in puts me back in that place where I was when I lost you. I remember feeling like I would never be healthy, but that changed, didn't it. And now I feel like its going to change again for me. I suppose I knew that this surgery wasn't going to be easy, I knew there was something wrong and I was so scared to find out what that might be. But now that its all over I feel this since of calmness, finally they know what was causing all my pain, and although there is no cure for endometreosis, they can help me. I hate not feeling well, John and Zane need mommy to be happy and healthy and lately I really haven't been feeling that way, so please watch over mommy, help me heal well from this surgery and get my life back to normal. I really have high hopes that things are going to turn around for me. My doctor removed alot of the scare tissue, which should help with so much of my pain and maybe now we can keep things under control. I hope you realize that you are my sunshine and I'm so proud to have an angel as my son, always remember that your always on my mind and in my heart. Sending Big Hugs & Kisses To you in Heaven, Mommy |
| December 25th, 2007 Merry Christmas My Angel, Wow has it been forever since I wrote you, I'm so sorry, but I think I needed to try and get my head straight, and that hasn't been so easy these days. Sometimes I just cry and cry, like tonight. I miss you and I miss Zane, I hate having to share him with daddy, its really been driving me crazy lately. Its not fear that I miss out on so many things with him. How bad is it that I was excited because I finally got to take him to the doctor on Saturday, I miss doing the normal things most mommys take for granted. I wish so badly that I could have another chance and have another baby, one that no one could take from me, like God took you and Zach took Zane. I'm sorry I'm complaining I don't mean to, this is Christmas and I should be happy, I know and for the most part this was an incredible Christmas, so maybe I should tell you about my last few days, that went by so quickly. Sunday night was alot of fun with shopping, wrapping and helping Zane make his sock monkey. Yesterday, Christmas Eve, we exchanged gifts here, since Zane had to go back to daddys, it was alot of fun, we got to play games and just relax for a little while. John completely surprised me with some absolutely wonderful gifts, he even picked out so awesome clothes for me, I do know I'm so lucky to have him and Zane, its just sometimes I want more, I want to share a child with him so badly. Sometimes it just drives me crazy thinking about how we'll never get to do that. Anyways in the evening yesterday we went to my cousin Beth's house to be with my family it was great watching all the kids, and Zane seemed to really enjoy himself and today me and John got to stay home and cook together, Tony came over for a little while, but the best part was just having time with just me and John. I just wish he wouldn't of gotten so sleepy before I did, because when I'm alone is when the wheels starting turning in my head and I start think about things. Well I'm going to try and fall asleep now, I miss you and love you. Marry Christmas sweetheart. Sending Christmas Hugs, Mommy |