So many people pitched in to help make our wedding happen. It felt so good to
know so many people cared. Our wedding was of course wonderful, although we got
married on the Blizzard of 93, worst snow storm we ever saw, but it didn't matter,
things were finally going our way. We were going to be parents come July, actually
his due date was July 25th. My belly was really starting to grow, thank goodness we
waited till just a few days before the wedding to take in my dress. Things were
finally getting back to normal. We were given permission from my doctor that we
were finally aloud to start having sex again, since everything looked okay on the last
sonogram. The next few days after the wedding we just spent at home, enjoying our
time together and planning for our future. Unfortunately the happy times didn't
know so many people cared. Our wedding was of course wonderful, although we got
married on the Blizzard of 93, worst snow storm we ever saw, but it didn't matter,
things were finally going our way. We were going to be parents come July, actually
his due date was July 25th. My belly was really starting to grow, thank goodness we
waited till just a few days before the wedding to take in my dress. Things were
finally getting back to normal. We were given permission from my doctor that we
were finally aloud to start having sex again, since everything looked okay on the last
sonogram. The next few days after the wedding we just spent at home, enjoying our
time together and planning for our future. Unfortunately the happy times didn't
last. It was the Saturday or very early morning of Sunday, just a week after our wedding, we had made love and
right after I started having horrible pains, I knew I was in labor. We called my doctor and he told us to meet him
at the hospital right away. We were so scared. Zach probably ran every red light to get there. Neither of us were
thinking straight at this time. We just wanted our son to be okay, he couldn't leave us now, we already had been
through so much together. When we got to the hospital, my doctor did a quick exam, I was definatly in labor and
I was to far dilated to stop the labor. They hooked me up to a monitor for the baby's heart rate and sent in some
pediatric specialist to talk with us, to let us know what to expect. They explained that since I was only 22 weeks
pregnant the baby's lungs were not fully developed and that although he had a chance, the chance was slim and he
would be in the hospital for atleast a few months. I remember at that point, partly being excited, thinking that I
was going to be able to hold my son sooner than I thought. I guess I truely believed that nothing bad would
happen since we had already gotten through so much. Our family's came to the hospital, along with my pastor
from my church, time was going by so slowly. We had arrived at the hospital around 3 AM and my labor was
taking forever. I remember the nurse wanting me to take something for the pain, but I refused too. I didn't want
to take any chances, I only wanted what was best for my baby. I guess it was around 11 or 12 am when we started
to notice that the baby's heart beat wasn't as loud, we called for the nurse who got a doctor. This doctor was the
head or the OB department at the hospital, he was helping my doctor out since my doctor was so sick and trying
to get a little rest before the actual delivery. He came in with the portable sonogram machine and started to look
at the baby. He didn't let us see the screen, he started to ask the nurse about the baby's position. He told her, he
thought the baby was positioned head down and she said it had been. I didn't understand what the problem was, I
mean he was still so small, why couldn't he just turn back over. So I asked the doctor that, thats when he told us
that the baby wouldn't be moving anymore, because his heart was fading away. He was dying inside of me and
there was nothing I could do to save him. There wasn't enough time for an emergency c-section, the baby would
most likely be dead before they were able to reach him and my doctor didn't feel that it was worth the chance. He
felt it was more important to focus on my well being. He was probably right, because my angels heart stopped
beating completely shortly after that. I remember watching it just fade away. That strong little heart, just stopped.
I guess he just couldn't keep fighting anymore, he had already been through so much, in his short little time with
us. After that things are a little blurry. The nurse finally convinced me to let her give me some demoral for the
pain, she was crying too. I drifted in and out of sleep then, until the hard labor started. I was in so much pain, and
for what, I was never going to even hear my baby cry. With tears in her eyes, the nurse talked me into getting an
epideral, she said there was no reason for me to experiance this much pain, considering how much pain my heart
was already enduring. But when they sat me up to give me the epideral, my baby came. I felt him, he slid out so
easily. I just wish I knew why he couldn't of done that, hours before. It was around 2:30PM, my baby was
delivered, but was already in heaven by now. He was 1 pound, 11 inches and so perfect in everyway. I held him for
a short time and we blessed him with holy water my pastor had left. Everyone took there time holding and looking
at him. The nurse took some pictures for us and when she took him away, she told us we could ask for him
whenever we wanted through out the night. Thats the thing I regret the most, is that I never got to hold my baby
again. Zach had a hard time looking at him and was also afraid if they brought him back to me, I wouldn't let him
go, but I should of held him again, I so wish I could do that over, but we didn't know any better, we where young
and this all happened so fast. Thank goodness everyone else took care of the funeral arrangements, because that
came as such a shock for us when they came to ask us about his burial. I did, however ask the nurse to take a few
more pictures, which I'm thrilled we got.
My son was laid to rest a few days later on top of his great grandfather. The service was beautiful. It was in the
chapel at the cemetary and everyone from both of our families were there. My aunt made flower arrangements for
on top of his casket, such a tiny little white casket. He was supposed to be sleeping in a crib, not being buried in a
casket. The next few days were the hardest days of my life. I remember feeling so lost and to add to it, my breasts
were drying up and it just added to my heartache. There was my body, so ready for my baby, but there was no
baby to feed. The first time we visited at the cemetary, to see my angel's headstone (that his great Uncle John
bought for him), I picked up a rock from his plot to have something to remember him, and to this day almost 14
years later, I still carry that rock with me. His headstone is beautiful; a little angel holding a lamb, so fitting, so
perfect.
We didn't name him back then. Like I said before, we were young and thought we might use the name we had
picked for our next son, but when Zane was born we couldn't name him Joshua, because in our hearts that name
had already been taken. Its just recently that I started calling him by his name. He needed a real name finally and
when my sculpt was created I decided it was finally time. His middle name however came from his stepdaddy. Out
of the blue he asked me if Josh had a middle name and I said no, it was something I had been thinking about, he
said he thought Tyler would be perfect, so now my loving husband gets to share in my other sons short life too.
right after I started having horrible pains, I knew I was in labor. We called my doctor and he told us to meet him
at the hospital right away. We were so scared. Zach probably ran every red light to get there. Neither of us were
thinking straight at this time. We just wanted our son to be okay, he couldn't leave us now, we already had been
through so much together. When we got to the hospital, my doctor did a quick exam, I was definatly in labor and
I was to far dilated to stop the labor. They hooked me up to a monitor for the baby's heart rate and sent in some
pediatric specialist to talk with us, to let us know what to expect. They explained that since I was only 22 weeks
pregnant the baby's lungs were not fully developed and that although he had a chance, the chance was slim and he
would be in the hospital for atleast a few months. I remember at that point, partly being excited, thinking that I
was going to be able to hold my son sooner than I thought. I guess I truely believed that nothing bad would
happen since we had already gotten through so much. Our family's came to the hospital, along with my pastor
from my church, time was going by so slowly. We had arrived at the hospital around 3 AM and my labor was
taking forever. I remember the nurse wanting me to take something for the pain, but I refused too. I didn't want
to take any chances, I only wanted what was best for my baby. I guess it was around 11 or 12 am when we started
to notice that the baby's heart beat wasn't as loud, we called for the nurse who got a doctor. This doctor was the
head or the OB department at the hospital, he was helping my doctor out since my doctor was so sick and trying
to get a little rest before the actual delivery. He came in with the portable sonogram machine and started to look
at the baby. He didn't let us see the screen, he started to ask the nurse about the baby's position. He told her, he
thought the baby was positioned head down and she said it had been. I didn't understand what the problem was, I
mean he was still so small, why couldn't he just turn back over. So I asked the doctor that, thats when he told us
that the baby wouldn't be moving anymore, because his heart was fading away. He was dying inside of me and
there was nothing I could do to save him. There wasn't enough time for an emergency c-section, the baby would
most likely be dead before they were able to reach him and my doctor didn't feel that it was worth the chance. He
felt it was more important to focus on my well being. He was probably right, because my angels heart stopped
beating completely shortly after that. I remember watching it just fade away. That strong little heart, just stopped.
I guess he just couldn't keep fighting anymore, he had already been through so much, in his short little time with
us. After that things are a little blurry. The nurse finally convinced me to let her give me some demoral for the
pain, she was crying too. I drifted in and out of sleep then, until the hard labor started. I was in so much pain, and
for what, I was never going to even hear my baby cry. With tears in her eyes, the nurse talked me into getting an
epideral, she said there was no reason for me to experiance this much pain, considering how much pain my heart
was already enduring. But when they sat me up to give me the epideral, my baby came. I felt him, he slid out so
easily. I just wish I knew why he couldn't of done that, hours before. It was around 2:30PM, my baby was
delivered, but was already in heaven by now. He was 1 pound, 11 inches and so perfect in everyway. I held him for
a short time and we blessed him with holy water my pastor had left. Everyone took there time holding and looking
at him. The nurse took some pictures for us and when she took him away, she told us we could ask for him
whenever we wanted through out the night. Thats the thing I regret the most, is that I never got to hold my baby
again. Zach had a hard time looking at him and was also afraid if they brought him back to me, I wouldn't let him
go, but I should of held him again, I so wish I could do that over, but we didn't know any better, we where young
and this all happened so fast. Thank goodness everyone else took care of the funeral arrangements, because that
came as such a shock for us when they came to ask us about his burial. I did, however ask the nurse to take a few
more pictures, which I'm thrilled we got.
My son was laid to rest a few days later on top of his great grandfather. The service was beautiful. It was in the
chapel at the cemetary and everyone from both of our families were there. My aunt made flower arrangements for
on top of his casket, such a tiny little white casket. He was supposed to be sleeping in a crib, not being buried in a
casket. The next few days were the hardest days of my life. I remember feeling so lost and to add to it, my breasts
were drying up and it just added to my heartache. There was my body, so ready for my baby, but there was no
baby to feed. The first time we visited at the cemetary, to see my angel's headstone (that his great Uncle John
bought for him), I picked up a rock from his plot to have something to remember him, and to this day almost 14
years later, I still carry that rock with me. His headstone is beautiful; a little angel holding a lamb, so fitting, so
perfect.
We didn't name him back then. Like I said before, we were young and thought we might use the name we had
picked for our next son, but when Zane was born we couldn't name him Joshua, because in our hearts that name
had already been taken. Its just recently that I started calling him by his name. He needed a real name finally and
when my sculpt was created I decided it was finally time. His middle name however came from his stepdaddy. Out
of the blue he asked me if Josh had a middle name and I said no, it was something I had been thinking about, he
said he thought Tyler would be perfect, so now my loving husband gets to share in my other sons short life too.
