last. It was the Saturday or very early morning of Sunday, just a week after our wedding, we had made love and right after I started having horrible pains, I knew I was in labor. We called my doctor and he told us to meet him at the hospital right away. We were so scared. Zach probably ran every red light to get there. Neither of us were thinking straight at this time. We just wanted our son to be okay, he couldn't leave us now, we already had been through so much together. When we got to the hospital, my doctor did a quick exam, I was definatly in labor and I was to far dilated to stop the labor. They hooked me up to a monitor for the baby's heart rate and sent in some pediatric specialist to talk with us, to let us know what to expect. They explained that since I was only 22 weeks pregnant the baby's lungs were not fully developed and that although he had a chance, the chance was slim and he would be in the hospital for atleast a few months. I remember at that point, partly being excited, thinking that I was going to be able to hold my son sooner than I thought. I guess I truely believed that nothing bad would happen since we had already gotten through so much. Our family's came to the hospital, along with my pastor from my church, time was going by so slowly. We had arrived at the hospital around 3 AM and my labor was taking forever. I remember the nurse wanting me to take something for the pain, but I refused too. I didn't want to take any chances, I only wanted what was best for my baby. I guess it was around 11 or 12 am when we started to notice that the baby's heart beat wasn't as loud, we called for the nurse who got a doctor. This doctor was the head or the OB department at the hospital, he was helping my doctor out since my doctor was so sick and trying to get a little rest before the actual delivery. He came in with the portable sonogram machine and started to look at the baby. He didn't let us see the screen, he started to ask the nurse about the baby's position. He told her, he thought the baby was positioned head down and she said it had been. I didn't understand what the problem was, I mean he was still so small, why couldn't he just turn back over. So I asked the doctor that, thats when he told us that the baby wouldn't be moving anymore, because his heart was fading away. He was dying inside of me and there was nothing I could do to save him. There wasn't enough time for an emergency c-section, the baby would most likely be dead before they were able to reach him and my doctor didn't feel that it was worth the chance. He felt it was more important to focus on my well being. He was probably right, because my angels heart stopped beating completely shortly after that. I remember watching it just fade away. That strong little heart, just stopped. I guess he just couldn't keep fighting anymore, he had already been through so much, in his short little time with us. After that things are a little blurry. The nurse finally convinced me to let her give me some demoral for the pain, she was crying too. I drifted in and out of sleep then, until the hard labor started. I was in so much pain, and for what, I was never going to even hear my baby cry. With tears in her eyes, the nurse talked me into getting an epideral, she said there was no reason for me to experiance this much pain, considering how much pain my heart was already enduring. But when they sat me up to give me the epideral, my baby came. I felt him, he slid out so easily. I just wish I knew why he couldn't of done that, hours before. It was around 2:30PM, my baby was delivered, but was already in heaven by now. He was 1 pound, 11 inches and so perfect in everyway. I held him for a short time and we blessed him with holy water my pastor had left. Everyone took there time holding and looking at him. The nurse took some pictures for us and when she took him away, she told us we could ask for him whenever we wanted through out the night. Thats the thing I regret the most, is that I never got to hold my baby again. Zach had a hard time looking at him and was also afraid if they brought him back to me, I wouldn't let him go, but I should of held him again, I so wish I could do that over, but we didn't know any better, we where young and this all happened so fast. Thank goodness everyone else took care of the funeral arrangements, because that came as such a shock for us when they came to ask us about his burial. I did, however ask the nurse to take a few more pictures, which I'm thrilled we got.
My son was laid to rest a few days later on top of his great grandfather. The service was beautiful. It was in the chapel at the cemetary and everyone from both of our families were there. My aunt made flower arrangements for on top of his casket, such a tiny little white casket. He was supposed to be sleeping in a crib, not being buried in a casket. The next few days were the hardest days of my life. I remember feeling so lost and to add to it, my breasts were drying up and it just added to my heartache. There was my body, so ready for my baby, but there was no baby to feed. The first time we visited at the cemetary, to see my angel's headstone (that his great Uncle John bought for him), I picked up a rock from his plot to have something to remember him, and to this day almost 14 years later, I still carry that rock with me. His headstone is beautiful; a little angel holding a lamb, so fitting, so perfect.
We didn't name him back then. Like I said before, we were young and thought we might use the name we had picked for our next son, but when Zane was born we couldn't name him Joshua, because in our hearts that name had already been taken. Its just recently that I started calling him by his name. He needed a real name finally and when my sculpt was created I decided it was finally time. His middle name however came from his stepdaddy. Out of the blue he asked me if Josh had a middle name and I said no, it was something I had been thinking about, he said he thought Tyler would be perfect, so now my loving husband gets to share in my other sons short life too. |
